Creeking More In The ATL (with your host Nate Creekmore) Episode #60

I'm not from Atlanta, but I live here, and (because I live here) people who don't live here ask me, "Creek, what's Atlanta really like?"  I don't know what Atlanta is really like, but if you'd like to know what it's like for me, I invite you to sit back and enjoy another episode of "CREEKING MORE IN THE ATL (with your host Nate Creekmore)"!!!

[The Creekityville Horror...]

In the city of Atlanta, in my apartment, I may or may not have experienced a bit of paranormal activity.

So, I was at the grocery store buying my weekly ration of carrots and tuna fish and Lil Debbie's Zebra Snack Cakes and I found myself on the aisle that unabashedly labels itself ETHNIC FOODS.  There, on several shelves, I saw an assortment of candles...

The candles were decorated with elaborate illustrations of saintly-looking figures and some of the candles had Jesus on them.  I've always liked Jesus and I thought it might be kind of nice to have a Jesus candle around to add some ambiance to my austere apartment.

I bought it, took it home, and put it on top of the refridgerator next to my daily The Office quotes calendar (remember The Office?  Man, those first three seasons are just about as good as any sitcom has ever been) and didn't think anything more about it.  After a while, I noticed something strange about that Jesus candle:  it seemed to be moving during the night.

I never actually saw it move, and it wasn't going from one side of the fridge top to the other, but it was moving, subtly...

...but I, like any idiot in a horror movie, just shrugged it off as nothing serious and went about my business.

One day, I had a friend over, a devout man who devotes himself daily to prayer and the study of scripture and chooses to live his life as monkishly as any (married) man (with a small child) can.  We were discussing, as is our wont, matters of great theological importance and at some point I showed him the Jesus candle and told him how it was maybe moving by itself.

My friend looked at the candle, looked at me, and then he told me that my Jesus candle was, in fact, a Santa Muerte candle.

Then he got up abruptly and left.

I'd never heard of Santa Muerte so I went to wikipedia and found out that it has something to do with death and other unpleasant things that sound vaguely pagan and demonic.  Suddenly, that slight movement I'd been ignoring didn't seem quite as harmless.  I was genuinely unnerved...

When you live alone, you can't watch scary movies or shows because, at night, when it's dark and you go to bed, it's just you.  Alone.  There's no one there to tell you that you're being ridiculous and silly, and, most importantly, there's no one there to grab another baseball bat to back you up if things get real.  It's just you, laying on a mattress, hoping there's no such thing as aliens and chupacabras and demon candles.

I began avoiding the kitchen as much as possible, but I started having bad dreams; the kind of dreams you can't quite recall when you wake up, and yet they somehow leave you feeling disturbed for the rest of the day.

So I finally just grabbed a plastic bag, shoved the candle inside, and ran it out to the dumpster.

So if the city dump is now haunted by a Jesus candle that moves slightly by itself, I'm very sorry, in general.  I mean, I'm sorry enough to say I'm sorry, but I'm not actually going to do anything about it.  It's your problem now.

Nowadays, a small statue of Bruce Lee (given to me by a pretty girl from Nagoya during my days as an undergrad) stands in the space formerly occupied by the (possibly Satanic) Jesus candle.

...but if that Bruce Lee statue ever comes to life, God help us all...

There you have it foks, another exciting episode of "Creeking More In The ATL (with your host Nate Creekmore)"!  Be sure and come back for the next installment wherein I attempt to explain my irrational, pathological fear of Sasquatch.