CREEKIFICATION: Bob Cassilly, American Hero

This week, approximately 67 years ago, Bob Cassilly was born in Webster Groves, Missouri. And Bob Cassilly, ladies and gentlemen, is an American hero.

Some of you are asking me, "Creek, who is Bob Cassilly? What makes him a hero?" Well shut up for a second and I'll tell you.

On May 21, 1972, Bob and his new bride were in Italy for their honeymoon.

Bob, a practicing sculptor, was drawn to the artistry of St. Peter's Basilica and its treasure trove of legendary masterworks.

And there is no greater legendary masterwork than the one that resides in St. Peter's Basilica in the first chapel on the right: Michelangelo's La Pieta.

But Bob was not the only man drawn to St. Peter's on that fateful day. A crazed former soap factory employee named Laszlo Toth was also there, lurking around the premises...

Laszlo fancied himself the risen Jesus Christ and had traveled all the way from Australia to Rome to talk to the Pope about it, but there was some kind of scheduling conflict and the Pope wasn't able to see him. So Laszlo, frustrated, showed up at St. Peter's Basilica with a hammer, started screaming out his blasphemies, and threw himself directly at Michelangelo's masterpiece...

And then he started beating her.

He gave her a black eye, a bloody nose...

And he broke her arm...

And that's when Bob Cassilly sprang to Mary's defense!

Bob beat Laszlo into submission and then handed him over to the Roman authorities. Surprisingly, Laszlo Toth did not receive the death penalty for his heinous crime. He just spent some time in an Italian psychiatric ward and was deported back to Australia.

Bob Cassilly, however, went on to do many great things. He built a giant statue of a giraffe that stands in front of a zoo in Dallas!

And he built a bunch of hippo sculptures for a park in Manhattan!

And if you ever find yourself in St. Louis, be sure and stop in at the City Museum, which was founded by Bob Cassilly!

These are strange times, dark times, and, depending on which way the wind blows on November 8th, these times could end up being much stranger and much darker. If, on November 9th, you find yourself overwhelmed with a sense of disbelief at the absurdity suppurating all around you, know that the world would be an even darker place if it hadn't been for the birth of Bob Cassilly, the man who saved us all from having to live in a world without La Pieta.