From Quintillus To Carinus

...how many of you remember anything from our last class discussion about the Roman Emperors..?  Do you remember Valerian, the emperor who was captured alive (and possibly flayed) by the Persians?  How about Claudius II, the guy who supposedly punched out a horse's teeth with his bare fist?  Nothing?  Nothing at all?  You know what, just sit there in your seats and text your friends and I'll stand up here and continue talking to myself.

QUINTILLUS 270

Quintillus was the brother of Claudius II.  He's easy to overlook because his reign only lasted for a few days (or a few months, depending on which historian you want to believe), but the senate elected him to the post of emperor so I guess I have to put him on the list.  The army did not approve of the Senate's decision and declared in favor of their own guy, a man named Aurelian who had served as a cavalry commander under Claudius II.  Quintillus was killed (by his own soldiers or in battle with Aurelian or by suicide) and that was the end of his brief reign, such as it was.

AURELIAN 270-275

It fell on Aurelian, as it had fallen on every other emperor since the demise of Valerian, to reunify the empire.  At this point, it was fractured into roughly three semi-autonomous regions.  While the emperors occupied themselves in battle with the various tribes that constantly threatened Roman territory, the average citizen was left to fend for himself; seeking protection from the rulers of cities, foreign kings, and local armies and militias.  Aurelian was able to clear most of the foreign tribes out of Italy proper, re-take parts of Syria and most of Gaul, but he decided it was best to abandon Dacia to the natives.  Aurelian is chiefly remembered for reintroducing the cult of the foreign sun god Elgabal (popularized by the memorable emperor Elagabalus) and for disastrous economic reform that resulted in massive inflation.  He was ultimately killed by his own lieutenants.

TACITUS 275-276

Tacitus, a former consul, was the last emperor to be elected by the Senate.  He's remembered for... well, not much.  He pretended to be related to the first century Roman historian named Tacitus.  He fought against some Gothic tribes, some Germanic tribes, then he died of a fever in Cappadocia (Turkey).  The fact that he wasn't assassinated makes him unique among the ranks of the third century emperors (then again, some sources claim he was assassinated, so...)

FLORIAN 276

Florian, like Quintillus, is an emperor who only ruled for a few days.  He was the brother of Tacitus and the army in the West chose him to be the new emperor.  The army in the East, however, chose a governor named Probus.  The two armies met in Cilicia to fight it out.  Florian's army lost and he was subsequently killed by his own troops.

PROBUS 276-282

 Probus' reign was spent battling against the usual suspects; Gauls, Goths, Franks, the Alamanni, etc.   Probus made himself unpopular with his soldiers by demanding that they spend their non-fighting moments engaged in things like draining swamps, construction projects, and farming.  The soldiers decided that this was unreasonable, so they did the traditional thing and killed him.

CARUS 282-283

Carus served as a Praetorian prefect under Probus and, after being elevated to the position of emperor following the disposal of Probus, he decided to direct the energies of Rome's fighting men towards the Persians.  The Persians were preoccupied with their own internal and external problems and, as a result, Carus' campaign went impressively well.  But then, during a storm, his tent was struck by lightning and he died.

CARINUS  283-285

Carinus, the son of Carus, was named emperor following his father's untimely death.  By most accounts, Carinus was a thoroughly unpleasant man.  He married nine different women, put men to death under false charges, and some sources say that he tracked down former classmates whom he disliked and used his position to torment them.  While Carinus ruled from Rome, his younger brother Numerian (a kind of co-emperor) led an army in the east.  Numerian was quietly assassinated in Chalcedon and his murderers propped up his body in a veiled litter (to make everyone think he was still alive but just a little sick) while they decided what to do next.  Eventually, the body started to stink and the soldiers caught on that Numerian was actually a corpse and had been a corpse for some time.  It was decided that Diocletian, a mid-ranking cavalry officer, would be named emperor and Diocletian's first act was to raise his sword, accept their endorsement, swear an oath, and then cut the man accused of Numerian's assassination in half.  Carinus dutifully brought his army out to face off against Diocletian at the Battle of The Margus River.  Carinus lost.

That was fairly painless, right?  How about that unexpected twist where Carus was struck by lightning?  I bet none of you saw that coming.  Because none of you were even listening.  Worst class ever.

Cheers (also, Happy Thanksgiving).